Dear Norelco, There’s a problem with my Playoff Beard…

I think I picked the wrong year to grow a National Hockey League Playoff Beard. Don’t know what that is?  A playoff beard is the practice of a NHL player not shaving his beard during the Stanley Cup playoffs. The player stops shaving when his team enters the playoffs and doesn’t shave until his team either is eliminated or wins the Stanley Cup.

Started in the eighties, it’s a rich tradition practiced by passionate fans as well.

Unfortunately for me, I don’t think this is my year to be experimenting with such a tradition.

First of all, I live in Chicago and, um, well. We’re way into baseball season right now. Where were you, Norelco, in 2010? I could have blended in throughout the city. I remember back then seeing lumberjack-looking-guys all over Chicago’s Loop and strutting up and down the Magnificent Mile.

But me? Today? I look like the one guy in the neighborhood who is unemployed.

It’s also pushing 90 degrees out. I just had the dog shaved for the summer. We’re wearing shorts. I’m stocking up on suntan lotion. Beards are sweaty. And sticky. And my ice cream cone drips in it.

But the biggest issue I have is this: Bald guys don’t do beards well.

I shave my head at home about once a week. I do that to get rid of all that subtly stuff that grows around the side of my dome. If you’re committed to having a shaved head, you gotta shave it. Down to the skin. I’ve been doing it for years and I’ve got the technique down.

But the first time I went to shave my scalp after I started my Stanley Cup Playoff Beard, I realized that bald heads and furry faces look stupid together. It makes you look like you’re sporting a fake beard. You stand out. In a bad way.

And the hardest thing is trying to figure out how you treat that space where your beard ends and your bald head begins. Do you trim the beard with a blunt edge? Do you round it? Taper it? For the life of me, I stressed out for 15 minutes over that one (and realized why having a goatee with a bald head doesn’t’ create those same stress points.)

What do you think? Stanley Cup Playoff Goatee? Does that work?

You may laugh but this is new to me. I’ve long given up issues of vanity that I’ve had in the past when it came to my looks. I went bald during the Reagan administration. So I’ve heard all the jokes and I know all the one-liners. But I’ve never had to deal with facial hair issues.

Fortunately, one of the products Norelco sent me was a Vacuum Stubble and Beard Trimmer Pro (the “stubble and beard trimming part I instantly understood. It took me a while to figure out the the “vacuum” feature wasn’t for the living room rug.) So the good thing is I get to start to tame this woolly mammoth on my chin – and find that perfect balance on my face.

So stay tuned. I’ll let you know how this all works.

In the meantime, it’s not too late to start your own Playoff Beard, ya know. If you’re not up for the full-blown Grizzly Adams look, I’ll be happy to give you some pointers on that perfect stubble effect. (And I’ll also teach you how to shave you’re head as an added bonus!)